Profile of jibvil

i shat meself

apparently the limit for user descriptions is anything less than a million, so I'm gonna fill this with random shit now.

The ENTIRE Bee Movie Script

According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready! Coming! Hang on a second. Hello? - Barry? - Adam? - Can you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up. Looking sharp. Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those. Sorry. I'm excited. Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son. A perfect report card, all B's. Very proud. Ma! I got a thing going here. - You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me! - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye! Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! - Hey, Adam. - Hey, Barry. - Is that fuzz gel? - A little. Special day, graduation. Never thought I'd make it. Three days grade school, three days high school. Those were awkward. Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive. You did come back different. - Hi, Barry. - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. - Hear about Frankie? - Yeah. - You going to the funeral? - No, I'm not going. Everybody knows, sting someone, you die. Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. I guess he could have just gotten out of the way. I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day. That's why we don't need vacations. Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances. - Well, Adam, today we are men. - We are! - Bee-men. - Amen! Hallelujah! Students, faculty, distinguished bees, please welcome Dean Buzzwell. Welcome, New Hive City graduating class of... ...9:15. That concludes our ceremonies. And begins your career at Honex Industries! Will we pick our job today? I heard it's just orientation. Heads up! Here we go. Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. - Wonder what it'll be like? - A little scary. Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco and a part of the Hexagon Group. This is it! Wow. Wow. We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive. Our top-secret formula is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured into this soothing sweet syrup with its distinctive golden glow you know as... Honey! - That girl was hot. - She's my cousin! - She is? - Yes, we're all cousins. - Right. You're right. - At Honex, we constantly strive to improve every aspect of bee existence. These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology. - What do you think he makes? - Not enough. Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. - What does that do? - Catches that little strand of honey that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. Can anyone work on the Krelman? Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot. But choose carefully because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life. The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that. What's the difference? You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off in 27 million years. So you'll just work us to death? We'll sure try. Wow! That blew my mind! "What's the difference?" How can you say that? One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make. I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. But, Adam, how could they never have told us that? Why would you question anything? We're bees. We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth. You ever think maybe things work a little too well here? Like what? Give me one example. I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about. Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach. Wait a second. Check it out. - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! - Wow. I've never seen them this close. They know what it's like outside the hive. Yeah, but some don't come back. - Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks! You guys did great! You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it! - I wonder where they were. - I don't know. Their day's not planned. Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what. You can't just decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. Right. Look. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime. It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it. Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it. Those ladies? Aren't they our cousins too? Distant. Distant. Look at these two. - Couple of Hive Harrys. - Let's have fun with them. It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock. Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom! He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me! - Oh, my! - I never thought I'd knock him out. What were you doing during this? Trying to alert the authorities. I can autograph that. A little gusty out there today, wasn't it, comrades? Yeah. Gusty. We're hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow. - Six miles, huh? - Barry! A puddle jump for us, but maybe you're not up for it. - Maybe I am. - You are not! We're going 0900 at J-Gate. What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough? I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means. Hey, Honex! Dad, you surprised me. You decide what you're interested in? - Well, there's a lot of choices. - But you only get one. Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day? Son, let me tell you about stirring. You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around. You get yourself into a rhythm. It's a beautiful thing. You know, Dad, the more I think about it, maybe the honey field just isn't right for me. You were thinking of what, making balloon animals? That's a bad job for a guy with a stinger. Janet, your son's not sure he wants to go into honey! - Barry, you are so funny sometimes. - I'm not trying to be funny. You're not funny! You're going into honey. Our son, the stirrer! - You're gonna be a stirrer? - No one's listening to me! Wait till you see the sticks I have. I could say anything right now. I'm gonna get an ant tattoo! Let's open some honey and celebrate! Maybe I'll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae. Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"! I'm so proud. - We're starting work today! - Today's the day. Come on! All the good jobs will be gone. Yeah, right. Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal... - Is it still available? - Hang on. Two left! One of them's yours! Congratulations! Step to the side. - What'd you get? - Picking crud out. Stellar! Wow! Oouple of newbies? Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready! Make your choice. - You want to go first? - No, you go. Oh, my. What's available? Restroom attendant's open, not for the reason you think. - Any chance of getting the Krelman? - Sure, you're on. I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out. Wax monkey's always open. The Krelman opened up again. What happened? A bee died. Makes an opening. See? He's dead. Another dead one. Deady. Deadified. Two more dead. Dead from the neck up. Dead from the neck down. That's life! Oh, this is so hard! Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer, humming, inspector number seven, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor, mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should... Barry? Barry! All right, we've got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine... What happened to you? Where are you? - I'm going out. - Out? Out where? - Out there. - Oh, no! I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life. You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello? Another call coming in. If anyone's feeling brave, there's a Korean deli on 83rd that gets their roses today. Hey, guys. - Look at that. - Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday? Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted. It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up. Really? Feeling lucky, are you? Sign here, here. Just initial that. - Thank you. - OK. You got a rain advisory today, and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain. So be careful. As always, watch your brooms, hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears and bats. Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us. Murphy's in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada! - That's awful. - And a reminder for you rookies, bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans! All right, launch positions! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Black and yellow! Hello! You ready for this, hot shot? Yeah. Yeah, bring it on. Wind, check. - Antennae, check. - Nectar pack, check. - Wings, check. - Stinger, check. Scared out of my shorts, check. OK, ladies, let's move it out! Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers! All of you, drain those flowers! Wow! I'm out! I can't believe I'm out! So blue. I feel so fast and free! Box kite! Wow! Flowers! This is Blue Leader. We have roses visual. Bring it around 30 degrees and hold. Roses! 30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around. Stand to the side, kid. It's got a bit of a kick. That is one nectar collector! - Ever see pollination up close? - No, sir. I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there, a pinch on that one. See that? It's a little bit of magic. That's amazing. Why do we do that? That's pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us. Cool. I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow. Could be daisies. Don't we need those? Copy that visual. Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move. Say again? You're reporting a moving flower? Affirmative. That was on the line! This is the coolest. What is it? I don't know, but I'm loving this color. It smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it. Yeah, fuzzy. Chemical-y. Careful, guys. It's a little grabby. My sweet lord of bees! Candy-brain, get off there! Problem! - Guys! - This could be bad. Affirmative. Very close. Gonna hurt. Mama's little boy. You are way out of position, rookie! Coming in at you like a missile! Help me! I don't think these are flowers. - Should we tell him? - I think he knows. What is this?! Match point! You can start packing up, honey, because you're about to eat it! Yowser! Gross. There's a bee in the car! - Do something! - I'm driving! - Hi, bee. - He's back here! He's going to sting me! Nobody move. If you don't move, he won't sting you. Freeze! He blinked! Spray him, Granny! What are you doing?! Wow... the tension level out here is unbelievable. I gotta get home. Can't fly in rain. Can't fly in rain. Can't fly in rain. Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down! Ken, could you close the window please? Ken, could you close the window please? Check out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure. You see? Folds out. Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this. What was that? Maybe this time. This time. This time. This time! This time! This... Drapes! That is diabolical. It's fantastic. It's got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies. What's number one? Star Wars? Nah, I don't go for that... ...kind of stuff. No wonder we shouldn't talk to them. They're out of their minds. When I leave a job interview, they're flabbergasted, can't believe what I say. There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out. I don't remember the sun having a big 75 on it. I predicted global warming. I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me. Wait! Stop! Bee! Stand back. These are winter boots. Wait! Don't kill him! You know I'm allergic to them! This thing could kill me! Why does his life have less value than yours? Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement? I'm just saying all life has value. You don't know what he's capable of feeling. My brochure! There you go, little guy. I'm not scared of him. It's an allergic thing. Put that on your resume brochure. My whole face could puff up. Make it one of your special skills. Knocking someone out is also a special skill. Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks. - Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? - Sure, Ken. You know, whatever. - You could put carob chips on there. - Bye. - Supposed to be less calories. - Bye. I gotta say something. She saved my life. I gotta say something. All right, here it goes. Nah. What would I say? I could really get in trouble. It's a bee law. You're not supposed to talk to a human. I can't believe I'm doing this. I've got to. Oh, I can't do it. Come on! No. Yes. No. Do it. I can't. How should I start it? "You like jazz?" No, that's no good. Here she comes! Speak, you fool! Hi! I'm sorry. - You're talking. - Yes, I know. You're talking! I'm so sorry. No, it's OK. It's fine. I know I'm dreaming. But I don't recall going to bed. Well, I'm sure this is very disconcerting. This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you're a bee! I am. And I'm not supposed to be doing this, but they were all trying to kill me. And if it wasn't for you... I had to thank you. It's just how I was raised. That was a little weird. - I'm talking with a bee. - Yeah. I'm talking to a bee. And the bee is talking to me! I just want to say I'm grateful. I'll leave now. - Wait! How did you learn to do that? - What? The talking thing. Same way you did, I guess. "Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up. - That's very funny. - Yeah. Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry with what we have to deal with. Anyway... Can I... ...get you something? - Like what? I don't know. I mean... I don't know. Coffee? I don't want to put you out. It's no trouble. It takes two minutes. - It's just coffee. - I hate to impose. - Don't be ridiculous! - Actually, I would love a cup. Hey, you want rum cake? - I shouldn't. - Have some. - No, I can't. - Come on! I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms. - Where? - These stripes don't help. You look great! I don't know if you know anything about fashion. Are you all right? No. He's making the tie in the cab as they're flying up Madison. He finally gets there. He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on. And he says, "Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan. Why would I marry a watermelon?" Is that a bee joke? That's the kind of stuff we do. Yeah, different. So, what are you gonna do, Barry? About work? I don't know. I want to do my part for the hive, but I can't do it the way they want. I know how you feel. - You do? - Sure. My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist. - Really? - My only interest is flowers. Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan. Anyway, if you look... There's my hive right there. See it? You're in Sheep Meadow! Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond! No way! I know that area. I lost a toe ring there once. - Why do girls put rings on their toes? - Why not? - It's like putting a hat on your knee. - Maybe I'll try that. - You all right, ma'am? - Oh, yeah. Fine. Just having two cups of coffee! Anyway, this has been great. Thanks for the coffee. Yeah, it's no trouble. Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did, I'd be up the rest of my life. Are you...? Can I take a piece of this with me? Sure! Here, have a crumb. - Thanks! - Yeah. All right. Well, then... I guess I'll see you around. Or not. OK, Barry. And thank you so much again... for before. Oh, that? That was nothing. Well, not nothing, but... Anyway... This can't possibly work. He's all set to go. We may as well try it. OK, Dave, pull the chute. - Sounds amazing. - It was amazing! It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life. Humans! I can't believe you were with humans! Giant, scary humans! What were they like? Huge and crazy. They talk crazy. They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy. - Do they try and kill you, like on TV? - Some of them. But some of them don't. - How'd you get back? - Poodle. You did it, and I'm glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see. You had your "experience." Now you can pick out your job and be normal. - Well... - Well? Well, I met someone. You did? Was she Bee-ish? - A wasp?! Your parents will kill you! - No, no, no, not a wasp. - Spider? - I'm not attracted to spiders. I know it's the hottest thing, with the eight legs and all. I can't get by that face. So who is she? She's... human. No, no. That's a bee law. You wouldn't break a bee law. - Her name's Vanessa. - Oh, boy. She's so nice. And she's a florist! Oh, no! You're dating a human florist! We're not dating. You're flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes with power washers and M-80s! One-eighth a stick of dynamite! She saved my life! And she understands me. This is over! Eat this. This is not over! What was that? - They call it a crumb. - It was so stingin' stripey! And that's not what they eat. That's what falls off what they eat! - You know what a Cinnabon is? - No. It's bread and cinnamon and frosting. They heat it up... Sit down! ...really hot! - Listen to me! We are not them! We're us. There's us and there's them! Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning? There's no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me! You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. Thinking bee! - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! There he is. He's in the pool. You know what your problem is, Barry? I gotta start thinking bee? How much longer will this go on? It's been three days! Why aren't you working? I've got a lot of big life decisions to think about. What life? You have no life! You have no job. You're barely a bee! Would it kill you to make a little honey? Barry, come out. Your father's talking to you. Martin, would you talk to him? Barry, I'm talking to you! You coming? Got everything? All set! Go ahead. I'll catch up. Don't be too long. Watch this! Vanessa! - We're still here. - I told you not to yell at him. He doesn't respond to yelling! - Then why yell at me? - Because you don't listen! I'm not listening to this. Sorry, I've gotta go. - Where are you going? - I'm meeting a friend. A girl? Is this why you can't decide? Bye. I just hope she's Bee-ish. They have a huge parade of flowers every year in Pasadena? To be in the Tournament of Roses, that's every florist's dream! Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering. A tournament. Do the roses compete in athletic events? No. All right, I've got one. How come you don't fly everywhere? It's exhausting. Why don't you run everywhere? It's faster. Yeah, OK, I see, I see. All right, your turn. TiVo. You can just freeze live TV? That's insane! You don't have that? We have Hivo, but it's a disease. It's a horrible, horrible disease. Oh, my. Dumb bees! You must want to sting all those jerks. We try not to sting. It's usually fatal for us. So you have to watch your temper. Very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk, write an angry letter and throw it out. Work through it like any emotion: Anger, jealousy, lust. Oh, my goodness! Are you OK? Yeah. - What is wrong with you?! - It's a bug. He's not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep! What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular? Yeah, it was. How did you know? It felt like about 10 pages. Seventy-five is pretty much our limit. You've really got that down to a science. - I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. - I'll bet. What in the name of Mighty Hercules is this? How did this get here? Cute Bee, Golden Blossom, Ray Liotta Private Select? - Is he that actor? - I never heard of him. - Why is this here? - For people. We eat it. You don't have enough food of your own? - Well, yes. - How do you get it? - Bees make it. - I know who makes it! And it's hard to make it! There's heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman thing! - It's organic. - It's our-ganic! It's just honey, Barry. Just what?! Bees don't know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing! You've taken our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have! And it's on sale?! I'm getting to the bottom of this. I'm getting to the bottom of all of this! Hey, Hector. - You almost done? - Almost. He is here. I sense it. Well, I guess I'll go home now and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around. You're busted, box boy! I knew I heard something. So you can talk! I can talk. And now you'll start talking! Where you getting the sweet stuff? Who's your supplier? I don't understand. I thought we were friends. The last thing we want to do is upset bees! You're too late! It's ours now! You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword! You, sir, will be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio! Where is the honey coming from? Tell me where! Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms! Crazy person! What horrible thing has happened here? These faces, they never knew what hit them. And now they're on the road to nowhere! Just keep still. What? You're not dead? Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you headed? To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here. I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood, crazy stuff. Blows your head off! I'm going to Tacoma. - And you? - He really is dead. All right. Uh-oh! - What is that?! - Oh, no! - A wiper! Triple blade! - Triple blade? Jump on! It's your only chance, bee! Why does everything have to be so doggone clean?! How much do you people need to see?! Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window! From NPR News in Washington, I'm Carl Kasell. But don't kill no more bugs! - Bee! - Moose blood guy!! - You hear something? - Like what? Like tiny screaming. Turn off the radio. Whassup, bee boy? Hey, Blood. Just a row of honey jars, as far as the eye could see. Wow! I assume wherever this truck goes is where they're getting it. I mean, that honey's ours. - Bees hang tight. - We're all jammed in. It's a close community. Not us, man. We on our own. Every mosquito on his own. - What if you get in trouble? - You a mosquito, you in trouble. Nobody likes us. They just smack. See a mosquito, smack, smack! At least you're out in the world. You must meet girls. Mosquito girls try to trade up, get with a moth, dragonfly. Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito. You got to be kidding me! Mooseblood's about to leave the building! So long, bee! - Hey, guys! - Mooseblood! I knew I'd catch y'all down here. Did you bring your crazy straw? We throw it in jars, slap a label on it, and it's pretty much pure profit. What is this place? A bee's got a brain the size of a pinhead. They are pinheads! Pinhead. –Check out the new smoker. - Oh, sweet. That's the one you want. The Thomas 3000! Smoker? Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic. Twice the nicotine, all the tar. A couple breaths of this knocks them right out. They make the honey, and we make the money. "They make the honey, and we make the money"? Oh, my! What's going on? Are you OK? Yeah. It doesn't last too long. Do you know you're in a fake hive with fake walls? Our queen was moved here. We had no choice. This is your queen? That's a man in women's clothes! That's a drag queen! What is this? Oh, no! There's hundreds of them! Bee honey. Our honey is being brazenly stolen on a massive scale! This is worse than anything bears have done! I intend to do something. Oh, Barry, stop. Who told you humans are taking our honey? That's a rumor. Do these look like rumors? That's a conspiracy theory. These are obviously doctored photos. How did you get mixed up in this? He's been talking to humans. - What? - Talking to humans?! He has a human girlfriend. And they make out! Make out? Barry! We do not. - You wish you could. - Whose side are you on? The bees! I dated a cricket once in San Antonio. Those crazy legs kept me up all night. Barry, this is what you want to do with your life? I want to do it for all our lives. Nobody works harder than bees! Dad, I remember you coming home so overworked your hands were still stirring. You couldn't stop. I remember that. What right do they have to our honey? We live on two cups a year. They put it in lip balm for no reason whatsoever! Even if it's true, what can one bee do? Sting them where it really hurts. In the face! The eye! - That would hurt. - No. Up the nose? That's a killer. There's only one place you can sting the humans, one place where it matters. Hive at Five, the hive's only full-hour action news source. No more bee beards! With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk. Weather with Storm Stinger. Sports with Buzz Larvi. And Jeanette Chung. - Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble. - And I'm Jeanette Chung. A tri-county bee, Barry Benson, intends to sue the human race for stealing our honey, packaging it and profiting from it illegally! Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King, we'll have three former queens here in our studio, discussing their new book, Classy Ladies, out this week on Hexagon. Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson. Did you ever think, "I'm a kid from the hive. I can't do this"? Bees have never been afraid to change the world. What about Bee Columbus? Bee Gandhi? Bejesus? Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans. We were thinking of stickball or candy stores. How old are you? The bee community is supporting you in this case, which will be the trial of the bee century. You know, they have a Larry King in the human world too. It's a common name. Next week... He looks like you and has a show and suspenders and colored dots... Next week... Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the guest even though you just heard 'em. Bear Week next week! They're scary, hairy and here live. Always leans forward, pointy shoulders, squinty eyes, very Jewish. In tennis, you attack at the point of weakness! It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81. Honey, her backhand's a joke! I'm not gonna take advantage of that? Quiet, please. Actual work going on here. - Is that that same bee? - Yes, it is! I'm helping him sue the human race. - Hello. - Hello, bee. This is Ken. Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe. Why does he talk again? Listen, you better go 'cause we're really busy working. But it's our yogurt night! Bye-bye. Why is yogurt night so difficult?! You poor thing. You two have been at this for hours! Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help. - Frosting... - How many sugars? Just one. I try not to use the competition. So why are you helping me? Bees have good qualities. And it takes my mind off the shop. Instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now. Those are great, if you're three. And artificial flowers. - Oh, those just get me psychotic! - Yeah, me too. Bent stingers, pointless pollination. Bees must hate those fake things! Nothing worse than a daffodil that's had work done. Maybe this could make up for it a little bit. - This lawsuit's a pretty big deal. - I guess. You sure you want to go through with it? Am I sure? When I'm done with the humans, they won't be able to say, "Honey, I'm home," without paying a royalty! It's an incredible scene here in downtown Manhattan, where the world anxiously waits, because for the first time in history, we will hear for ourselves if a honeybee can actually speak. What have we gotten into here, Barry? It's pretty big, isn't it? I can't believe how many humans don't work during the day. You think billion-dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers? Everybody needs to stay behind the barricade. - What's the matter? - I don't know, I just got a chill. Well, if it isn't the bee team. You boys work on this? All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding. All right. Case number 4475, Superior Court of New York, Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry is now in session. Mr. Montgomery, you're representing the five food companies collectively? A privilege. Mr. Benson... you're representing all the bees of the world? I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor, we're ready to proceed. Mr. Montgomery, your opening statement, please. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my grandmother was a simple woman. Born on a farm, she believed it was man's divine right to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us. If we lived in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines, just think of what would it mean. I would have to negotiate with the silkworm for the elastic in my britches! Talking bee! How do we know this isn't some sort of holographic motion-picture-capture Hollywood wizardry? They could be using laser beams! Robotics! Ventriloquism! Cloning! For all we know, he could be on steroids! Mr. Benson? Ladies and gentlemen, there's no trickery here. I'm just an ordinary bee. Honey's pretty important to me. It's important to all bees. We invented it! We make it. And we protect it with our lives. Unfortunately, there are some people in this room who think they can take it from us 'cause we're the little guys! I'm hoping that, after this is all over, you'll see how, by taking our honey, you not only take everything we have but everything we are! I wish he'd dress like that all the time. So nice! Call your first witness. So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden of Honey Farms, big company you have. I suppose so. I see you also own Honeyburton and Honron! Yes, they provide beekeepers for our farms. Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term. I don't imagine you employ any bee-free-ers, do you? - No. - I couldn't hear you. - No. - No. Because you don't free bees. You keep bees. Not only that, it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey. They're very lovable creatures. Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear. You mean like this? Bears kill bees! How'd you like his head crashing through your living room?! Biting into your couch! Spitting out your throw pillows! OK, that's enough. Take him away. So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me. - Where have I heard it before? - I was with a band called The Police. But you've never been a police officer, have you? No, I haven't. No, you haven't. And so here we have yet another example of bee culture casually stolen by a human for nothing more than a prance-about stage name. Oh, please. Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting? Because I'm feeling a little stung, Sting. Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner! That's not his real name?! You idiots! Mr. Liotta, first, belated congratulations on your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005. Thank you. Thank you. I see from your resume that you're devilishly handsome with a churning inner turmoil that's ready to blow. I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime? Not yet it isn't. But is this what it's come to for you? Exploiting tiny, helpless bees so you don't have to rehearse your part and learn your lines, sir? Watch it, Benson! I could blow right now! This isn't a goodfella. This is a badfella! Why doesn't someone just step on this creep, and we can all go home?! - Order in this court! - You're all thinking it! Order! Order, I say! - Say it! - Mr. Liotta, please sit down! I think it was awfully nice of that bear to pitch in like that. I think the jury's on our side. Are we doing everything right, legally? I'm a florist. Right. Well, here's to a great team. To a great team! Well, hello. - Ken! - Hello. I didn't think you were coming. No, I was just late. I tried to call, but... the battery. I didn't want all this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free. Oh, that was lucky. There's a little left. I could heat it up. Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever. So I hear you're quite a tennis player. I'm not much for the game myself. The ball's a little grabby. That's where I usually sit. Right... there. Ken, Barry was looking at your resume, and he agreed with me that eating with chopsticks isn't really a special skill. You think I don't see what you're doing? I know how hard it is to find the right job. We have that in common. Do we? Bees have 100 percent employment, but we do jobs like taking the crud out. That's just what I was thinking about doing. Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was all right. I'm going to drain the old stinger. Yeah, you do that. Look at that. You know, I've just about had it with your little mind games. - What's that? - Italian Vogue. Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages. A lot of ads. Remember what Van said, why is your life more valuable than mine? Funny, I just can't seem to recall that! I think something stinks in here! I love the smell of flowers. How do you like the smell of flames?! Not as much. Water bug! Not taking sides! Ken, I'm wearing a Chapstick hat! This is pathetic! I've got issues! Well, well, well, a royal flush! - You're bluffing. - Am I? Surf's up, dude! Poo water! That bowl is gnarly. Except for those dirty yellow rings! Kenneth! What are you doing?! You know, I don't even like honey! I don't eat it! We need to talk! He's just a little bee! And he happens to be the nicest bee I've met in a long time! Long time? What are you talking about?! Are there other bugs in your life? No, but there are other things bugging me in life. And you're one of them! Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night... My nerves are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster! Goodbye, Ken. And for your information, I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners made by man! I'm sorry about all that. I know it's got an aftertaste! I like it! I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me. I couldn't overcome it. Oh, well. Are you OK for the trial? I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas. We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand. Good idea! You can really see why he's considered one of the best lawyers... Yeah. Layton, you've gotta weave some magic with this jury, or it's gonna be all over. Don't worry. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around is to remind them of what they don't like about bees. - You got the tweezers? - Are you allergic? Only to losing, son. Only to losing. Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you what I think we'd all like to know. What exactly is your relationship to that woman? We're friends. - Good friends? - Yes. How good? Do you live together? Wait a minute... Are you her little... ...bedbug? I've seen a bee documentary or two. From what I understand, doesn't your queen give birth to all the bee children? - Yeah, but... - So those aren't your real parents! - Oh, Barry... - Yes, they are! Hold me back! You're an illegitimate bee, aren't you, Benson? He's denouncing bees! Don't y'all date your cousins? - Objection! - I'm going to pincushion this guy! Adam, don't! It's what he wants! Oh, I'm hit!! Oh, lordy, I am hit! Order! Order! The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins! I have been felled by a winged beast of destruction! You see? You can't treat them like equals! They're striped savages! Stinging's the only thing they know! It's their way! - Adam, stay with me. - I can't feel my legs. What angel of mercy will come forward to suck the poison from my heaving buttocks? I will have order in this court. Order! Order, please! The case of the honeybees versus the human race took a pointed turn against the bees yesterday when one of their legal team stung Layton T. Montgomery. - Hey, buddy. - Hey. - Is there much pain? - Yeah. I... I blew the whole case, didn't I? It doesn't matter. What matters is you're alive. You could have died. I'd be better off dead. Look at me. They got it from the cafeteria downstairs, in a tuna sandwich. Look, there's a little celery still on it. What was it like to sting someone? I can't explain it. It was all... All adrenaline and then... and then ecstasy! All right. You think it was all a trap? Of course. I'm sorry. I flew us right into this. What were we thinking? Look at us. We're just a couple of bugs in this world. What will the humans do to us if they win? I don't know. I hear they put the roaches in motels. That doesn't sound so bad. Adam, they check in, but they don't check out! Oh, my. Could you get a nurse to close that window? - Why? - The smoke. Bees don't smoke. Right. Bees don't smoke. Bees don't smoke! But some bees are smoking. That's it! That's our case! It is? It's not over? Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere. Get back to the court and stall. Stall any way you can. And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub. Mr. Flayman. Yes? Yes, Your Honor! Where is the rest of your team? Well, Your Honor, it's interesting. Bees are trained to fly haphazardly, and as a result, we don't make very good time. I actually heard a funny story about... Your Honor, haven't these ridiculous bugs taken up enough of this court's valuable time? How much longer will we allow these absurd shenanigans to go on? They have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges against my clients, who run legitimate businesses. I move for a complete dismissal of this entire case! Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going to have to consider Mr. Montgomery's motion. But you can't! We have a terrific case. Where is your proof? Where is the evidence? Show me the smoking gun! Hold it, Your Honor! You want a smoking gun? Here is your smoking gun. What is that? It's a bee smoker! What, this? This harmless little contraption? This couldn't hurt a fly, let alone a bee. Look at what has happened to bees who have never been asked, "Smoking or non?" Is this what nature intended for us? To be forcibly addicted to smoke machines and man-made wooden slat work camps? Living out our lives as honey slaves to the white man? - What are we gonna do? - He's playing the species card. Ladies and gentlemen, please, free these bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! The court finds in favor of the bees! Vanessa, we won! I knew you could do it! High-five! Sorry. I'm OK! You know what this means? All the honey will finally belong to the bees. Now we won't have to work so hard all the time. This is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, Benson. You'll regret this. Barry, how much honey is out there? All right. One at a time. Barry, who are you wearing? My sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants. - What if Montgomery's right? - What do you mean? We've been living the bee way a long time, 27 million years. Congratulations on your victory. What will you demand as a settlement? First, we'll demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps. Then we want back the honey that was ours to begin with, every last drop. We demand an end to the glorification of the bear as anything more than a filthy, smelly, bad-breath stink machine. We're all aware of what they do in the woods. Wait for my signal. Take him out. He'll have nauseous for a few hours, then he'll be fine. And we will no longer tolerate bee-negative nicknames... But it's just a prance-about stage name! ...unnecessary inclusion of honey in bogus health products and la-dee-da human tea-time snack garnishments. Can't breathe. Bring it in, boys! Hold it right there! Good. Tap it. Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups, and there's gallons more coming! - I think we need to shut down! - Shut down? We've never shut down. Shut down honey production! Stop making honey! Turn your key, sir! What do we do now? Cannonball! We're shutting honey production! Mission abort. Aborting pollination and nectar detail. Returning to base. Adam, you wouldn't believe how much honey was out there. Oh, yeah? What's going on? Where is everybody? - Are they out celebrating? - They're home. They don't know what to do. Laying out, sleeping in. I heard your Uncle Carl was on his way to San Antonio with a cricket. At least we got our honey back. Sometimes I think, so what if humans liked our honey? Who wouldn't? It's the greatest thing in the world! I was excited to be part of making it. This was my new desk. This was my new job. I wanted to do it really well. And now... Now I can't. I don't understand why they're not happy. I thought their lives would be better! They're doing nothing. It's amazing. Honey really changes people. You don't have any idea what's going on, do you? - What did you want to show me? - This. What happened here? That is not the half of it. Oh, no. Oh, my. They're all wilting. Doesn't look very good, does it? No. And whose fault do you think that is? You know, I'm gonna guess bees. Bees? Specifically, me. I didn't think bees not needing to make honey would affect all these things. It's not just flowers. Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees. That's our whole SAT test right there. Take away produce, that affects the entire animal kingdom. And then, of course... The human species? So if there's no more pollination, it could all just go south here, couldn't it? I know this is also partly my fault. How about a suicide pact? How do we do it? - I'll sting you, you step on me. – That just kills you twice. Right, right. Listen, Barry... sorry, but I gotta get going. I had to open my mouth and talk. Vanessa? Vanessa? Why are you leaving? Where are you going? To the final Tournament of Roses parade in Pasadena. They've moved it to this weekend because all the flowers are dying. It's the last chance I'll ever have to see it. Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry. I never meant it to turn out like this. I know. Me neither. Tournament of Roses. Roses can't do sports. Wait a minute. Roses. Roses? Roses! Vanessa! Roses?! Barry? - Roses are flowers! - Yes, they are. Flowers, bees, pollen! I know. That's why this is the last parade. Maybe not. Could you ask him to slow down? Could you slow down? Barry! OK, I made a huge mistake. This is a total disaster, all my fault. Yes, it kind of is. I've ruined the planet. I wanted to help you with the flower shop. I've made it worse. Actually, it's completely closed down. I thought maybe you were remodeling. But I have another idea, and it's greater than my previous ideas combined. I don't want to hear it! All right, they have the roses, the roses have the pollen. I know every bee, plant and flower bud in this park. All we gotta do is get what they've got back here with what we've got. - Bees. - Park. - Pollen! - Flowers. - Repollination! - Across the nation! Tournament of Roses, Pasadena, California. They've got nothing but flowers, floats and cotton candy. Security will be tight. I have an idea. Vanessa Bloome, FTD. Official floral business. It's real. Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch. Thank you. It was a gift. Once inside, we just pick the right float. How about The Princess and the Pea? I could be the princess, and you could be the pea! Yes, I got it. - Where should I sit? - What are you? - I believe I'm the pea. - The pea? It goes under the mattresses. - Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart. - I'm getting the marshal. You do that! This whole parade is a fiasco! Let's see what this baby'll do. Hey, what are you doing?! Then all we do is blend in with traffic... ...without arousing suspicion. Once at the airport, there's no stopping us. Stop! Security. - You and your insect pack your float? - Yes. Has it been in your possession the entire time? Would you remove your shoes? - Remove your stinger. - It's part of me. I know. Just having some fun. Enjoy your flight. Then if we're lucky, we'll have just enough pollen to do the job. Can you believe how lucky we are? We have just enough pollen to do the job! I think this is gonna work. It's got to work. Attention, passengers, this is Captain Scott. We have a bit of bad weather in New York. It looks like we'll experience a couple hours delay. Barry, these are cut flowers with no water. They'll never make it. I gotta get up there and talk to them. Be careful. Can I get help with the Sky Mall magazine? I'd like to order the talking inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer. Captain, I'm in a real situation. - What'd you say, Hal? - Nothing. Bee! Don't freak out! My entire species... What are you doing? - Wait a minute! I'm an attorney! - Who's an attorney? Don't move. Oh, Barry. Good afternoon, passengers. This is your captain. Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B please report to the cockpit? And please hurry! What happened here? There was a DustBuster, a toupee, a life raft exploded. One's bald, one's in a boat, they're both unconscious! - Is that another bee joke? - No! No one's flying the plane! This is JFK control tower, Flight 356. What's your status? This is Vanessa Bloome. I'm a florist from New York. Where's the pilot? He's unconscious, and so is the copilot. Not good. Does anyone onboard have flight experience? As a matter of fact, there is. - Who's that? - Barry Benson. From the honey trial?! Oh, great. Vanessa, this is nothing more than a big metal bee. It's got giant wings, huge engines. I can't fly a plane. - Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot? - Yes. How hard could it be? Wait, Barry! We're headed into some lightning. This is Bob Bumble. We have some late-breaking news from JFK Airport, where a suspenseful scene is developing. Barry Benson, fresh from his legal victory... That's Barry! ...is attempting to land a plane, loaded with people, flowers and an incapacitated flight crew. Flowers?! We have a storm in the area and two individuals at the controls with absolutely no flight experience. Just a minute. There's a bee on that plane. I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson and his no-account compadres. They've done enough damage. But isn't he your only hope? Technically, a bee shouldn't be able to fly at all. Their wings are too small... Haven't we heard this a million times? "The surface area of the wings and body mass make no sense." - Get this on the air! - Got it. - Stand by. - We're going live. The way we work may be a mystery to you. Making honey takes a lot of bees doing a lot of small jobs. But let me tell you about a small job. If you do it well, it makes a big difference. More than we realized. To us, to everyone. That's why I want to get bees back to working together. That's the bee way! We're not made of Jell-O. We get behind a fellow. - Black and yellow! - Hello! Left, right, down, hover. - Hover? - Forget hover. This isn't so hard. Beep-beep! Beep-beep! Barry, what happened?! Wait, I think we were on autopilot the whole time. - That may have been helping me. - And now we're not! So it turns out I cannot fly a plane. All of you, let's get behind this fellow! Move it out! Move out! Our only chance is if I do what I'd do, you copy me with the wings of the plane! Don't have to yell. I'm not yelling! We're in a lot of trouble. It's very hard to concentrate with that panicky tone in your voice! It's not a tone. I'm panicking! I can't do this! Vanessa, pull yourself together. You have to snap out of it! You snap out of it. You snap out of it. - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - Hold it! - Why? Come on, it's my turn. How is the plane flying? I don't know. Hello? Benson, got any flowers for a happy occasion in there? The Pollen Jocks! They do get behind a fellow. - Black and yellow. - Hello. All right, let's drop this tin can on the blacktop. Where? I can't see anything. Can you? No, nothing. It's all cloudy. Come on. You got to think bee, Barry. - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Wait a minute. I think I'm feeling something. - What? - I don't know. It's strong, pulling me. Like a 27-million-year-old instinct. Bring the nose down. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! - What in the world is on the tarmac? - Get some lights on that! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! - Vanessa, aim for the flower. - OK. Out the engines. We're going in on bee power. Ready, boys? Affirmative! Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it. Land on that flower! Ready? Full reverse! Spin it around! - Not that flower! The other one! - Which one? - That flower. - I'm aiming at the flower! That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt. I mean the giant pulsating flower made of millions of bees! Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up. Rotate around it. - This is insane, Barry! - This's the only way I know how to fly. Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane flying in an insect-like pattern? Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid. Smell it. Full reverse! Just drop it. Be a part of it. Aim for the center! Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman! Come on, already. Barry, we did it! You taught me how to fly! - Yes. No high-five! - Right. Barry, it worked! Did you see the giant flower? What giant flower? Where? Of course I saw the flower! That was genius! - Thank you. - But we're not done yet. Listen, everyone! This runway is covered with the last pollen from the last flowers available anywhere on Earth. That means this is our last chance. We're the only ones who make honey, pollinate flowers and dress like this. If we're gonna survive as a species, this is our moment! What do you say? Are we going to be bees, or just Museum of Natural History keychains? We're bees! Keychain! Then follow me! Except Keychain. Hold on, Barry. Here. You've earned this. Yeah! I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves. Oh, yeah. That's our Barry. Mom! The bees are back! If anybody needs to make a call, now's the time. I got a feeling we'll be working late tonight! Here's your change. Have a great afternoon! Can I help who's next? Would you like some honey with that? It is bee-approved. Don't forget these. Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me. And I don't see a nickel! Sometimes I just feel like a piece of meat! I had no idea. Barry, I'm sorry. Have you got a moment? Would you excuse me? My mosquito associate will help you. Sorry I'm late. He's a lawyer too? I was already a blood-sucking parasite. All I needed was a briefcase. Have a great afternoon! Barry, I just got this huge tulip order, and I can't get them anywhere. No problem, Vannie. Just leave it to me. You're a lifesaver, Barry. Can I help who's next? All right, scramble, jocks! It's time to fly. Thank you, Barry! That bee is living my life! Let it go, Kenny. - When will this nightmare end?! - Let it all go. - Beautiful day to fly. - Sure is. Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office. You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. - Thinking bee! - Me? Hold it. Let's just stop for a second. Hold it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. Can we stop here? I'm not making a major life decision during a production number! All right. Take ten, everybody. Wrap it up, guys. I had virtually no rehearsal for that.

Here's an "apology" from a Don't Forget Connected (Online Undertale MMO) user named Jabber. He got banned so he tried to appeal it but was swiftly denied due to his actions (threatening to hurt himself with a butterknife, lying about cancers and illnesses, and overall being a huge creep in-game).

Dear DF Connected Moderators,

I am writing to appeal my recent ban from the game. I understand that my behavior may have been inappropriate, and I want to apologize for any offense I may have caused.

Firstly, I want to state that what I said was meant as a joke and was not intended to be taken seriously or as an NSFW comment. I understand that some players may have taken it the wrong way, and I am sorry for any discomfort or offense that it may have caused.

I want to assure you that I fully understand the importance of maintaining a safe and welcoming environment for all players. I realize that my behavior may have been inappropriate and that I should have thought twice before making such a comment. I also understand that the rules and guidelines set by the game are in place to ensure the enjoyment and safety of all players.

I have always enjoyed playing DF Connected and have made many friends within the game. I truly value the community and the experiences I have had while playing. I understand that my actions have jeopardized my ability to participate in this community and I am deeply sorry.

I would like to ask for another chance to show that I can be a respectful and responsible player. I can promise that I will make a concerted effort to follow the rules and guidelines set forth by the game and to behave in a manner that is appropriate and respectful to all players.

Thank you for your consideration. I hope to hear back from you soon. Sincerely, Jabber.

Yeah no, it's totally AI generated LMAO

anyway thank you for coming to my ted talk I will post more random garbage to make myself seem interesting because of the fact that I'm constantly insecure about how people think of me and trying to maintain a status as an "interesting" person while also not coming off as a complete asshole to not be left in the dust (that sounded cringe but I need filler)

A philosophy essay on Mario.

Everyone knows Mario is cool as fuck. But knows what he’s thinking? Who knows why he crushes turtles? And why do we think about him as fondly as we think of the mythical (nonexistent?) Dr Pepper? Perchance I believe it was Kant who said “Experience without theory is blind, but theory without experience is mere intellectual play.” Mario exhibits experience by crushing turts all day, but he exhibits theory by stating “Let’s-a go!” Keep it up, baby! When Mario leaves his place of safety to stomp a turty, he knows that he may Die. And yet, for a man who can purchase lives with money, a life becomes a mere store of value. A tax that can be paid for, much as a rich man feels any law with a fine is a price. We think of Mario as a hero, but he is simply a one percenter of a more privileged variety. The lifekind. Perchance.

(You can't just say "Perchance")

So anyway what other super fun copypastas exist? Surely there can't be anything as long as the bee movie script I posted that I'll end up typing out. Hell, I don't think it'd make a difference whether I actually typed something meaningful here and THEN posted more movie scripts VS. posting movie scripts on their own. Now I'm curious how many typos there's gonna be by the time I (somehow) run out of space to type. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. As much as I'd like to vent, I don't know if I should even be doing that on something stupid like a bio that basically doesn't have character limit. I guess it's little too late since I went off earlier but I'll try my best to be "civil" now. I'm totally running out of things to talk about though. Here's a big question: would you rather find 1000 roaches living in your walls, or a person living jn your walls? I'm genuinely stumped on which one I'd pick because they both sound equally horrible. Either way, there's a decent chance you're moving from that house. At least if you pick the roaches, there's no risk of the person option being someone extremely dangerous, like a serial killer right? Maybe I'm overthinking this. This is pretty stupid since it's just in my bio description but I wanna know how other people feel about it. Maybe I'll post another copypasta to lighten the mood a bit.

Steamed Hams full transcript

Well, Seymour, I made it- despite your directions.
Ah.
Superintendent Chalmers.
Welcome.
- I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon.
- Yeah.
Oh, egads! My roast is ruined.
But what if I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking? Delightfully devilish, Seymour.
Ah- Skinner with his crazy explanations The superintendent's gonna need his medication When he hears Skinner's lame exaggerations There'll be trouble in town tonight Seymour! Superintendent, I was just- uh, just stretching my calves on the windowsill.
Isometric exercise.
Care to join me? Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Seymour? Uh- Oh.
That isn't smoke.
It's steam.
Steam from the steamed clams we're having.
Mmm.
Steamed clams.
Whew.
Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouthwatering hamburgers.
I thought we were having steamed clams.
D'oh, no.
I said steamed hams.
That's what I call hamburgers.
You call hamburgers steamed hams? Yes.
It's a regional dialect.
- Uh-huh.
Uh, what region? - Uh, upstate New York.
Really.
Well, I'm from Utica, and I've never heard anyone use the phrase "steamed hams.
" Oh, not in Utica.
No.
It's an Albany expression.
I see.
You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger.
Oh, no.
Patented Skinner burgers.
Old family recipe.
- For steamed hams.
- Yes.
Yes.
And you call them steamed hams despite the fact that they are obviously grilled.
Ye- You know, the- One thing I should- - Excuse me for one second.
- Of course.
Well, that was wonderful.
A good time was had by all.
I'm pooped.
Yes.
I should be- Good Lord! What is happening in there? - Aurora borealis.
- Uh- Aurora borealis at this time of year at this time of day in this part of the country localized entirely within your kitchen? - Yes.
- May I see it? No.
Seymour.
! The house is on fire.
! No, Mother.
It's just the northern lights.
Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow but I must say you steam a good ham.

I actually did a version of the "Steamed Hams" skit but with Asgore and Mayor Holiday on this site. I think it turned out pretty well, had to rewrite a couple lines but it turned out pretty well! I feel like the stern and more serious nature of Supernintendo Chalmers fit well for the Mayor, aswell as Seymour Skinner's sillier and incompetent personality for Deltarune Asgore.
I also replaced Skinner's Mother Agnes with Toriel for the ending. I've made my fair share of other skits rewritten with UT/DR/AU characters aswell. I've gotten pretty good at them too, couple people called said "what is this toby fox shit" and another dude gave me praise for it. I dunno, I just felt like bragging about it because it kept motivating me to make more of them. They're really fun to make! If I had to pick a favorite character to use for em, I'd probably pick Susie since she's super versatile on whether I want her to play the role of a "voice of reason" or act like a goober. Berdly's another good one because he can either be "the only normal person" or an annoying snob depending on when you need him to. I don't mind characters with speech quirks (like Queen using camel-case and not using stuff like periods, Toriel and Asgore never using contractions, etc) but good GOD I genuinely have so much trouble writing Rouxls Kaard. He's all "doth this" and "eth that" and then he uses the most random word in the english dictionary that SOMEHOW fits with what he's describing. I seriously just... can't with Rouxls. I almost never use him which is too bad because he's awesome, but oh my god writing him is a nightmare. I find Spamton difficult to write aswell because I end up pondering which words I should replace with brackets and then have to further ponder what to actually PUT in said brackets in order to sound "Spamton-y". It feels like it just never gets easier with those two. Everyone else with certain speech quirks are fine, but I don't know if I'll ever grasp the ways of Rouxls Kaard and Spamton. Might just have to get someone else to write them, or else find ways to ignore using them entirely.

beans

Since I'm supposed to be going to bed, I'm gonna manually type out the name of every number from 1 - 100!!!!!!

One
Two
Three
Four
Five
Six
Seven
Eight
Nine
Ten
Eleven
Twelve
Thirteen
Fourteen
Fifteen
Sixteen
Seventeen
Eighteen
Nineteen
Twenty
Twenty One
Twenty Two
Twenty Three
Twenty Four
Twenty Five
Twenty Six
Twenty Seven
Twenty Eight
Twenty Nine
Thirty
Thirty One
Thirty Two
Thirty Three
Thirty Four
Thirty Five
Thirty Six
Thirty Seven
Thirty Eight
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Sixty Nine (nice)
Seventy
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Eighty
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One Hundred

well shit I didn't feel asleep oh well
I'm gonna at least TRY to sleep now, am wondering many days are gonna go by before I actually fill this entire thing with stuff that ISN'T just the same thing repeated over and over (like just one single letter or some shit) anyway toodles

hello i went here to ask if we can get flushable toilets please ricky i need this flushable toilets got to be added i can't take it anymore im at my end. every time i enter the washroom, i'm bombarded by the fact that you cant flush the toilet its unbearable this has to stop i'm on my knees rn begging you pmease add flushable toilets to the game im broken over this i stayed 5 hours in the room waiting for something to change but nothing happened please im on my knees right now ricky im begging you im agressively sobbing rn i don't even care about 2.8 anymore please just give us flushable toilets the only thing keeping me alive right now is the thought that maybe you'll see me crying and add flushable toilets to the game i tried interacting with it thousands of times but its not working please ricky please please please im litteraly begging right now PLEASE RICKY I NEED THIS I CAN'T GO ON LIKE THIS ANYMORE WHAT IF HARLOW HAS DIRHEA HUH?? DO YOU NOT CARE ABOUT YOU FNADOM RICKYG?? WHY
ricky code it so that when people interact with the toilet it progressively becomes dirtier and filthier and has goo leaking out and flies and yellowign and stuff like the awful american cartoons did it (they were peak) and like make it a global constant so it updates for all the players so tehy see the stinky toiletr and regret interacting with such a thing because of what it has become, and the only way to clean it is to donate 500000 to a dog shrine tht is now set up in the bathroom (yep) and they pay for the janitor service and it celans it up and fixes it (they are extremely stingy)

The Entire Morbius Script:
[WIND WHISTLING]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[THUNDER RUMBLING IN DISTANCE]

[WATER DRIPS ECHOING]

[BATS SKITTERING]

[HELICOPTER WHIRRING]

[MEN YELLING INDISTINCTLY IN SPANISH]

We shouldn’t be here when it gets dark.

Set the trap at the mouth of the cave, please.

[MEN SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[WINCES]

PILOT: You need a doctor?

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

I am a doctor.

It’s impressive, don’t you think?

Vampire bats weigh almost nothing, but they can down a creature nearly ten times their size.

[FLIES BUZZING]

Wow.

What are you using as bait?

You volunteering?

Leaving.

[TRAP CLANKS]

Pay me now.

Before the sun goes down.

You throw in that bushcrafter on your belt and we have a deal.

[♪♪♪]

[GROANS SOFTLY]

[ALL CHITTERING]

[SCREECHES]

[BATS SCREECHING]

[SHOUTS IN SPANISH]

[YELLING IN SPANISH]

Come on.

[BELL TOLLING]

[STUDENTS LAUGHING, CHATTERING]

Move!

[TICKING]

[CAR HORN HONKS]

NICHOLAS: Should be able to take better care of you here.

[CAR DOOR CLOSES, CAR DRIVES AWAY]

Everyone’s here to help you.

Michael, this is Lucian. Lucian, Michael.

Michael knows more about this place than I do.

[WHISPERS] Play nice.

LUCIAN: Hello.

Hello, Milo.

My name’s Lucian.

The person who was here before was Milo.

No.

He was also the new Milo.

And before him was the other new Milo.

I don’t even remember the first Milo.

How long have you been here?

Long as I can remember.

[MACHINE BEEPS AND WHIRS]

And you’re still not cured?

There is no cure.

There’s something missing from our DNA.

Like a piece of a puzzle.

And until they find it, the only way to stay alive is an oil change three times a day.

What would you do if you could be normal?

Just for an hour?

I don’t think about it.

Hey, look at the freaks! Look at them!

[STUDENTS CHATTERING, LAUGHING]

Best not to be outside when school gets out.

Like the original Spartans, we are the few against the many.

[BEEPING]

Milo?

Milo?

[ALERT BUZZING]

Nurse?

[♪♪♪]

[WHISPERS] Okay…

[BEEPS AND WHIRS]

Lucian.

Lucian!

With one of these?

It took a team of scientists to build that machine and you fixed it with a ballpoint pen?

There’s a school for gifted children in New York.

I think that I could get them to agree to cover your tuition and provide private care to help manage your condition.

Somewhere you could study, learn, hone your skills.

You have a gift, Michael.

I don’t think I could forgive myself if I saw it go to waste.

MICHAEL: “Dear Milo, this isn’t goodbye. I’m gonna find a cure for us, so we can be cranky old men someday. Your friend, Michael.

P.S. You shouldn’t have unfolded this. Now you’ll never get it back together. See you this summer.”

No.

[STUDENTS CHATTERING]

“Dear Milo…”

[ALL LAUGH]

Please, can I have my letter back?

What?

Please, can I have my letter?

Okay. Here.

[LAUGHS]

Please. Ah!

[SHOUTS] Please!

[BOYS LAUGHING]

Please!

[YELLS]

Stop.

[GROANING]

[BOYS GRUNTING]

[NICHOLAS YELLS IN SPANISH]

Go away!

[SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE]

Let me have a look. Let me have a look.

[SCREAMS]

He tried to steal my letter!

Milo, Milo, stop.

Stop. Stop. Stop.

[CRYING]

What about Milo?

I’ll look after Milo.

He needs me.

NICHOLAS: Michael Morbius completed his doctorate by 19 and quickly established himself as the world’s leading authority on blood-borne diseases.

His development of artificial blood has saved more lives than penicillin.

Michael Morbius, please step forward to acknowledge the receipt of your prize from His Majesty, the King of Sweden.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[TRUMPETERS PLAY FANFARE]

ANNA: I can’t believe you dissed the king of Sweden.

The king and the queen, their loyal subjects, all of Scandinavia and the entire scientific community.

Yeah, but who does that?

Well, Anna, we both know I have issues.

But, hey, I kept the program.

[TONE SOUNDS, THEN WOMAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY OVER PA]

[KNOCKS] There you are.

Hey, Dr. Bancroft.

Hey, Anna.

We going to play?

Oh, I don’t think so.

See, now that Dr. Morbius is back, maybe you should try losing for a while, see how that feels.

MICHAEL: Not gonna happen.

Michael.

Uh, yes?

You got a minute?

Of course.

New one. For your collection.

[WHISPERS] Dr. Morbius is in trouble.

I’m in trouble.

MARTINE: “I can’t accept a prize for the by-product of a failed experiment.”

Lab 1.

Front page, “American Scientist Rejects Nobel Prize.”

You know that people actually like writing checks to Nobel laureates?

Makes them feel better about their investment.

It would help if you stuck around long enough to cash them.

[GROANS]

You’re pushing yourself too hard.

[SIGHS]

Does our generous benefactor, Milo, know what you’re actually doing here?

What am I actually doing here?

Remixing human DNA with bat DNA.

I have no idea what you’re…

Talking about?

Is anything ringing a bell?

No bells ringing. Uh…

Okay. Maybe this will jog your memory.

MICHAEL: I wouldn’t go in there if I were you.

[BATS SCREECHING]

That is a…

It’s a fish tank.

Hmm.

Like, for… flying mammals.

Oh, I see.

Some friends I brought back from Costa Rica.

So when were you gonna tell me?

More importantly, how did you get my pass code?

It’s the first six digits of pi backwards.

It’s your password for everything.

You should change that.

You could lose your license for this.

I’m not gonna need it much longer, doctor.

You, on the other hand, will.

You know, there’s something called “plausible deniability.”

You should be thanking me.

These are the only mammals on Earth that have evolved to feed exclusively on blood.

So in order to drink it, these bats produce saliva that contains unique anticoagulants.

So your theory is, if you can successfully splice vampire genes into your DNA, it would allow your body to produce those same anticoagulants.

MICHAEL: Yes.

It would be a cure.

At what cost?

The fusion of different species is a legacy we already carry in our bodies.

Viruses insinuating their nucleic acid onto our own over hundreds of thousands of years.

That’s evolution. This is different.

I don’t think it is.

We have to push the boundaries, take the risks.

Without that, there is no science.

No medicine.

No breakthroughs at all.

[MACHINE BEEPING]

[CHIMES, THEN BEEPING SOFTLY]

Okay.

[RECORDER BEEPS]

Test subject for cell combination 117.

[MOUSE SQUEAKING]

[BEEPS]

Come on, come on, come on.

[SQUEALING]

[RECORDER BEEPS]

[SIGHS] Test subject 117 has resulted in…

failure.

[RECORDER BEEPS]

I don’t wanna see you get hurt.

I should’ve died years ago, Martine.

Why am I still alive if not to fix this?

To save my best friend, Milo.

And everyone else like us.

Not like this.

Dr. Morbius, it’s Anna.

[♪♪♪]

[MONITORS BEEPING RAPIDLY]

[PANTING]

Her temperature’s spiking, and her kidneys are shutting down.

We have to induce a coma before she has a stroke.

A hundred milligrams of propofol.

NURSE: Sure.

MARTINE: Now.

Come on.

MICHAEL: It’s okay.

It’s okay. We got you.

There you go.

There you go.

Thank you, nurse.

We’re gonna let you sleep a bit.

Take a nice long nap.

[MONITOR BEEPING STEADILY]

[SQUEAKING]

Michael.

What?

It worked.

[♪♪♪]

[CLOCK CHIMES]

Dr. Michael Morbius.

[IN NORWEGIAN] Some crippled guy’s here to see the Boss.

MILO: Michael! Get over here!

[IN NORWEGIAN] As long as I am a cripple you’ll be fine.

♪ Stop dreaming Of the quiet life… ♪

You’re late. I was trying out this new thing called “working.”

Oh, yeah. I don’t believe I’m familiar with the word.

I don’t believe you are.

So, what’s up with the goon squad?

Oh, I won a hand of cards against some Russian gentlemen.

Apparently they found his luck improbable.

There you are.

More like impossible.

So, doctor, how is our favorite patient?

Still determined to make his short life even shorter?

Yes, I am. Anyway, you’re one to talk.

You look terrible. Look at the state of you.

Says the man wearing… What is that, a quilt?

Oh, sorry. I didn’t get the memo to dress for a funeral.

[LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLES]

Right. I will see you later.

And you… my door is always open.

We miss you at Horizon.

We could use your mind.

I’ll leave you two to your fun.

Bye, Nicholas.

I have some good news.

Let’s go for a walk.

How’s Martine doing these days?

Dr. Bancroft? She is, uh, overqualified, outperforming, brilliant as usual.

And a royal pain in my ass.

But she’s keeping me honest for the most part. Why do you ask?

Eh, no reason. Just haven’t seen you in forever.

I wondered if she had something to do with it.

Aw, I miss you too.

But, yes, she has been working with me to save our lives.

I could ask her to stop if you like, put us out of our misery.

Just don’t do something stupid and go and fall in love because, believe you me, there is absolutely no cure for that.

Says the guy who knows absolutely nothing about the subject.

Not true.

I read about it in books all the time.

Books, really? Wow.

Yeah.

Or romantic comedies. The point is…

The point is, love is not on the cards for us, my friend.

Listen, if you start quoting The Notebook to me, I am going to stop and hobble very slowly in the opposite direction.

[LAUGHS]

Throw it!

MICHAEL: I’m close, Milo.

I can feel it.

A cure.

It’s finally possible.

Seriously?

Highly experimental.

Ethically questionable.

Very, very, very expensive.

I knew that was coming.

And not exactly legal.

Oh, and it has to be done in international waters.

[LAUGHS]

You were always expensive.

Is it dangerous? Should I be worried?

You want me to lie to you?

That would be nice, yes.

It’s a walk in the park on a sunny day.

Oh, yeah, that bad, eh?

Listen.

We don’t have much time left.

This could be our last chance.

So, what do you say?

We go out with a fight?

[SIGHS]

Yeah.

You with me?

Till the day you die, brother.

Till the day you die. You’ll have everything you need.

We’re the original Spartans, mate.

The few against the many.

Yeah.

[♪♪♪]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER RADIO]

You know, I’m sure you’re cheating.

No. No, you’re not.

What you got?

MICHAEL: Putting another one in the oven.

Wish me luck.

[CHIMING]

The moment of truth.

[CHIMES AND BEEPS]

Success, Martine. We did it.

It’s holding together.

[RECORDER BEEPS]

Test 243.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

Human trials.

[RECORDER BEEPS]

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

I’m glad it’s you.

Had a lot of other suitors, didn’t you?

Yeah.

You know, the whole near-death thing is very, very chic.

I read it in Cosmo.

[LAUGHS]

Do they still make Cosmo? I don’t know.

I know it’s just what you always wanted.

Could be a collector’s item one day, you never know.

This better not be my last one.

I know this is painful, but you got it.

[GROANS SOFTLY]

That’s it. Bingo.

Right there.

[SHUSHES]

[GROANS]

Almost there, almost there.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

[SHUSHES]

It’s all right. Come on. Come on.

There you go.

[GROANS SOFTLY]

You can buckle me up.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You all right? Great.

[♪♪♪]

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]

I call.

Bringing out the big guns.

Let’s go again.

I’ll be back. I’m gonna check on the doctor.

All right.

[MONITOR BEEPING]

[DOOR CLANGS OPEN]

You shouldn’t be down here.

I can be wherever I want, nurse.

It’s “doctor,” actually.

[SNICKERS]

I’m afraid you’re gonna have to leave.

Doctor. Sure, I can see it.

But, uh, you’re still the help, just like me.

Wow.

You can tell all that by just looking at me, huh?

Here I thought you were just another jacked-up dumb shit.

[LAUGHS]

Get out.

[ALERT BLARING]

Michael?

[GUN COCKS]

[METAL CLANKS]

Michael?

Where is he?

[METAL CLANKS]

Don’t move.

[ROARS]

What the hell?

Everybody down to the lab now.

[WALKIE BEEPS]

Roger that.

[GRUNTS]

Don’t shoot!

[ALARM BLARING]

Michael!

[FOX GROANING]

Stop!

[GROWLS]

Michael.

[GROWLS]

It’s just me.

[ALARM BLARING]

It’s just me.

[POUNDS ON GLASS]

Michael, please.

Michael, stop!

Stop! Please!

You’re hurting yourself! Stop!

Hey! Step back! Move!

Stop. Put that gun down…

Move!

[GROWLING]

[GROANS]

[SCREAMS]

[YELLS]

Shit. Close it! Close it!

What the hell is that thing?

[♪♪♪]

[ROARS]

Fall back! Fall back!

Shit.

MAN 1: Let’s move.

MAN 2: Go, go, go!

[GROANS]

Johnny!

[GRUNTING]

[SCREAMS]

[MORBIUS GROWLS]

Get out of here!

MAN [OVER RADIO]: Sweeping Level 3.

Jason, come in.

Jason. Jason?

[SCREAMS]

Oh, shit.

Son of a bitch!

[GROANS]

Shit! Oh!

Oh, shit!

[HIGH-PITCHED SCRAPING]

[GROANS]

[GAGGING]

[MORBIUS GROWLS]

[PANTING]

[SCREAMS]

[ROARS]

[GASPS]

[♪♪♪]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Martine.

Martine.

[HEART BEATING STEADILY]

[WHISPERS] Oh, my God.

[VOMITS]

[GROANS]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[FEEDBACK OVER RADIO]

Mayday, mayday, mayday.

This is the LCV Murnau.

Call letters 3-X5Y.

We are 13 nautical miles off the coast of Long Island.

Request immediate airlift.

Repeat, this is the LCV Murnau.

Mayday, mayday, mayday.

[♪♪♪]

It’s up here to the right.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

FBI Agent Stroud. Can we have the room, please?

RODRIGUEZ: You heard the man. Can we please have the room?

If you could start exiting, that’d be fantastic.

Well, we haven’t had anything this good since that thing in San Francisco.

Uh, eight bodies, running IDs right now, but apparently they all shop at the same mercenary supply store.

Uh, one survivor, a Dr. Martine Bancroft.

Can we talk to her?

If she wakes up.

Uh, she fell down and hit her head, apparently.

Anything else?

Someone made a mayday call.

Not Dr. Bancroft.

Nope.

It was a male, didn’t identify himself, then wiped all the surveillance footage.

SIMON: He grew a conscience and jumped overboard?

It happens. Oh, and get this.

All the bodies that you’re looking at are nearly drained of their blood.

So, what hunts at night and drinks human blood?

You’re gonna love this.

REPORTER: Early this morning an unmanned cargo ship was discovered near the eastern tip of Long Island with multiple bodies on board.

Authorities are not making any comment at this time.

But there are reports of one survivor, and we have learned from a high-ranking Coast Guard official that the vessel was flying a Panamanian flag when it drifted in from international…

What’s happened?

Some kind of accident.

How’s your pain today? On a one to ten?

Eleven.

[TONE SOUNDS, THEN MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER PA]

[MONITOR BEEPING STEADILY AND VENTILATOR HISSING]

[TONE SOUNDS, THEN MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER PA]

[WHISPERS] I’m sorry.

You’re going to be okay.

[♪♪♪]

Lab 1.

Privacy screens.

[SHOE SQUEAKS]

[SIGHS]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Come on. Come on.

[GRUNTING]

[GULPING]

[HISSES]

[BEEPS]

[RECORDER BEEPS]

As a result of my procedure, I have an overpowering urge to consume… blood.

Human blood.

In certain respects, I have succeeded far beyond anything I could have imagined.

For the first time in my entire life, I feel… good.

Yesterday, I could barely walk.

Today, I don’t know what I’m capable of.

For a period of time after ingestion, my numbers are off the charts.

I have the constitution of an Olympic athlete.

Increased strength and speed that can only be described as… superhuman.

And all of this… on artificial blood.

[♪♪♪]

I’ve become something different.

I feel a kinship with these creatures.

They would tear anyone else apart, but they welcome me.

Like a brother.

[BATS SCREECHING]

I’ve even developed a form of echolocation.

Bat radar, for the uninitiated.

The question is:

How do I control it?

Isolate it?

Breathe.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

And let it go.

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

[BALL BOUNCING ECHOES]

[KEYBOARD CLACKING]

But, unfortunately, this condition is temporary.

[WATCH BEEPING]

I’ve been timing myself.

Artificial blood keeps me stable for six hours.

But that window… is growing shorter.

Artificial blood won’t work forever.

One question remains: What if…?

What if artificial blood becomes ineffective?

What happens if I go without?

No blue…

No red…

Nothing.

[GROANS SOFTLY]

Eventually, my vitals drop precipitously and my illness returns with a vengeance.

Soon, I’ll face a choice.

[GRUNTS]

Drink the red… or die.

But what happened on that ship… can’t ever happen again.

[SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE]

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS, THEN DOORS OPEN]

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS, THEN DOORS CLOSE]

Michael.

It’s me.

You in here?

Where are you?

[MICHAEL GROANING SOFTLY]

Michael?

Michael? What are you doing?

Michael, it’s Milo. What are you doing?

Do you need help?

What?

“Blood.”

You want the blood in the freezer? Wait.

[GROANS]

MILO: I’m coming, I’m coming.

I’m coming.

Michael, hang on.

Here. Here.

[GROWLS]

[GROANS]

Michael…

[GROWLS]

You’re… You’re strong.

[GROANS]

Michael.

You did it.

You did it. You found a cure to live.

Michael.

[WATCH BEEPS]

What? What is it?

I’ve made a terrible mistake, Milo.

We all make mistakes. Don’t worry about it.

You’ve never made one like this before.

Michael, enough.

Just give it to me. I need it.

I can’t live like this any longer. Please.

I can’t.

What do you mean, you can’t?

I can’t.

I need this. I… I’ve done things, Milo. I killed people.

W-we… We can make that go away.

The ones on the boat, they’re thugs, guns for hire.

I can make that go away.

You don’t understand.

I do understand. Please. Have I ever denied you anything?

Said no? Have I always given you…?

I can’t control it!

What, so… So you get to live and I get to die? Is that it?

It’s a curse.

Believe me, brother. It is.

Now, please, I need you to go.

It’s not safe here.

No.

No, don’t make me go. Please, Michael, don’t…

I said, get out!

I said, get out!

Milo.

[DOOR CLOSES]

She’s right here.

Dr. Bancroft? Agents Stroud and Rodriguez.

How you feeling, doctor?

Like I’m in a hospital, eating really crappy Jell-O.

This shouldn’t take long.

You were out on a container ship that washed up off of Long Island.

Doctor, there were eight dead bodies inside.

We also noticed that their blood was… What do you call it?

Exsanguinated. I looked it up.

So, um, sorry for the graphic nature of some of these photos.

But, um, you’re a doctor, so you know what people look like on the inside.

These puncture wounds right there, those look like fang marks to you?

Well, you were out there conducting a major experiment.

We’re just hoping you could shed some light.

Yeah, that… Not exactly sanitary, isn’t it?

I’m having a little bit of a hard time remembering what happened that night.

Sure. Let’s go.

You also work at the Horizon Lab, right?

With Dr. Michael Morbius.

Yes.

Appreciate your time, doctor.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[TICKING]

[SNIFFLES]

[GLASS SHATTERS]

Hello?

Who’s there?

[NURSE GASPS]

Hello?

[♪♪♪]

[WHIMPERING]

[SOBBING]

[PANTING]

[GASPS]

[SCREAMS]

[♪♪♪]

[WATCH BEEPING]

[SNIFFLES]

[TONE SOUNDS, THEN WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER PA]

[HEART BEATING]

MAN 1 [ECHOING]: Get away from her. Just step back.

MAN 2: Has she been there all night?

MAN 3: Looks like all the blood was drained from her body.

[PEOPLE MURMURING]

Any contusions?

Not that I can see.

Back to our rooms, okay?

[♪♪♪]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

[BEEPS]

Dr. Morbius?

Agent Stroud.

Agent Rodriguez. Can we have a minute?

Of course. How can I help you?

SIMON: First, I wanna say thank you.

Your artificial blood actually saved my arm in Afghanistan, sir.

I’m glad I could be of service.

I mean, I must admit, doc, you don’t look

anything like you do on the news.

Yeah, you look downright robust.

I have good days and bad.

Pilates helps.

How are you on boats?

As you can see…

don’t have very good sea legs.

Why do you ask?

‘Cause you’ve been looking for a cure for your condition your whole life, right?

You’ve pretty much tried everything.

Crazy experiments, maybe on a boat?

“Crazy” isn’t a term that I would use… detective.

Unorthodox, maybe.

But I’d do just about anything to save a life.

I’m sure you can understand that.

Anything else I can help you two with?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER POLICE RADIO]

DISPATCHER [ECHOES OVER RADIO]: All units, the 120 block, Horizon Labs, female body drained of blood, initiate lock down.

Copy that. Doc, got a couple more questions for you.

RODRIGUEZ: Yeah, you’re coming with us.

[GRUNTING]

Hey, freeze!

SIMON: Stop him!

Hey!

[GUN COCKS]

Hold fire!

Get backup and meet me up top.

[♪♪♪]

[WIND WHISTLING]

[SIRENS APPROACHING]

[GUN COCKS]

Enough.

[SIRENS WAILING]

MICHAEL: It’s worse than I first thought.

At this rate, artificial blood will stop working in a matter of days.

8:13 p.m.

Down from six hours to four hours, 22 minutes.

I got a problem.

[SHACKLES RATTLE]

[LATCH CLICKS, DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR SLAMS SHUT]

Holy water?

Really?

What?

I’m not taking any chances.

It’s triple blessed.

[BUZZER SOUNDS IN DISTANCE]

We found this little guy on the container ship… with those bodies.

That’s a little hobby of yours, right?

RODRIGUEZ: You know, eight dead mercs on a boat really doesn’t ruffle our feathers.

I’m pretty sure they were guilty of something and happy to have them off the water.

But Nurse Sutton, single mother with twin girls, that’s… something else.

Yes, I know.

Her name was Kristen. We worked together every single day for seven years.

She was a good person.

So why’d you do it?

I can’t answer that.

[SIGHS]

What did you do to yourself, doctor?

Make us understand.

I wish I knew.

[GASPING]

Okay.

Great stuff. Um, Really informative.

Thank you. Uh…

I dropped a bag.

There’s something inside that I need.

Bag of artificial blood.

Yeah.

Yeah. It’s in evidence, I’m sorry.



[GROWLING]

I’m sorry.

I’m starting to get hungry.

And you don’t wanna see me when I’m hungry.

[GROWLING]

SIMON: We’re done here. Let’s go.

[KNOCKS ON DOOR] Guard!

Your lawyer’s here.

[DOOR SLAMS SHUT, THEN LOCK CLICKS]

You look terrible.

Lawyer, huh?

I don’t remember you ever finishing law school.

‘Cause I didn’t.

Sit down. Sit down.

I mean, if one of us was going to end up in bright orange trainers, I would never have guessed it would be you.

They’re charging me with murder.

I don’t know. I don’t know.

I…

Maybe I blacked out? Uh…

[INHALES SHARPLY]

Hey.

Now listen to me.

[QUIETLY] I don’t believe it.

You’re not capable of that.

I know that all you’ve ever tried to do is help people.

You don’t belong here.

This place is for terrorists and drugs lords and God knows who.

Michael, we need to get you out of here.

In whatever way possible.

Maybe this is where I belong.

If I’m in here, then nobody else dies.

Listen to me.

You are not capable of killing that woman.

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

Hey, Your Highness, time’s up.

Michael, here’s something to keep you going.

Guard.

[LOCK CLICKS]

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

[PRISONERS YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

Never too early.

[♪♪♪]

[BUZZER SOUNDS IN DISTANCE]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[GATE RATTLING OPEN]

Milo.

Milo!

[GRUNTS AND GROWLS]

[SLURPING]

[ROARS]

[CONCRETE CRUMBLING]

[ALARM BLARING]

OFFICER: Let’s move!

Come on, this way!

[ROARS]

[GROANS]

Let’s go. Let’s go.

Open the door.

Now! Go!

He’s getting away!

[GRUNTING]

[WIND WHISTLING]

[HORNS HONKING]

Daily Bugle, please, sir.

There you go, buddy.

Here you are, my friend.

[SNIFFS]

Always figured that guy for a freak.

How’s that? You’ve never met him.

I mean, look at him. What else you need to know?

MILO: You know, you shouldn’t judge someone by how they look.

Didn’t your mother teach you any manners?

Take me, for example.

I may look harmless enough.

Do you think I’m joking?

[ROARS]

[VENDOR SCREAMS]

[♪♪♪]

[GRUNTING]

Milo!

Got me.

You see? I knew you could do it.

You took the serum even after I warned you.

What am I gonna do, lay down and die?

Thank you for the death wish.

I tried to protect you!

Protect me? Protect me from what?

Becoming a monster like me.

I don’t think you’re a monster. Okay?

I killed the nurse.

I killed the nurse.

I know. But you know what it’s like your first time.

You have no idea what you’re doing. You have no control.

No.

Milo, you have to stop.

You have to stop. You have to stop denying who you are.

It’s boring. We can go anywhere, we can do anything. Let’s go.

Let’s have some fun.

This isn’t you.

I know you. Where’s the brother that I used to have?

How can you say that to me?

Look what you’ve become.

Everything I am, I am because of you.

I looked up to you my whole life.

I will never leave you, and I will not go back.

You cannot make me go back. I won’t let you make me go back!

[GROANS]

[PEOPLE CLAMORING, SCREAMING]

[ROARS]

Move, bitch, move!

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[GASPS]

Goodness.

Whoo!

We’ve evolved!

You’re a scientist, Michael.

Surely, surely you understand that.

That’s not what this is. This is a mistake.

But I can fix it. I’ll figure out how to reverse it.

Artificial blood will keep us stable until I do.

Yeah, I’m fine just the way I am, thank you very much.

OFFICER: Hey! Hands up!

Up against the wall. Now.

MILO: Officer.

Come on.

MILO: Anything you say.

You. Don’t move.

Okey-do key.

We have the suspects.

Like we used to say… live a little.

[GROANS]

Hey!

Freeze!

[OFFICERS GROAN]

All our lives, we’ve lived with death hanging over us.

Why?

Why shouldn’t they know what it feels like for a change, Michael?

[ECHOES] Michael!

[SINGSONG, ECHOES] Michael.

[♪♪♪]

I’m not gonna fight you, Milo.

[TRAIN HORN BLOWS]

[FOOTSTEPS ECHOING]

[TRAIN RATTLING AND TRAIN HORN BLOWING]

[BRAKES SQUEALING]

[WIND WHISTLING]

[♪♪♪]

[TRAIN HORN BLOWING]

[WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER PA]

SIMON: Now he’s laying out officers in my city, huh?

It’s unforgiveable.

Just keep your eyes on Dr. Bancroft.

Yeah.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

[SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE]

[♪♪♪]

[BOTH SPEAK IN SPANISH]

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[EMPLOYEE SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

Woman in the jeans, where’d she go?

Yeah, right.

[♪♪♪]

Great.

Hey, stranger.

Michael?

You shouldn’t be here.

I didn’t kill Nurse Sutton or the police.

Or any of those people.

I know.

Milo, he…

He took the serum.

He’s out there.

And I have to stop him.

But I need your help.

Coffee?

No, thanks. I quit caffeine.

It’s decaf.

[GASPS AND SIGHS]

[BLOWS]

Not that kind of vampire.

Just checking.

I shouldn’t have dragged you out there. I’m sorry.

You didn’t.

I wanted to be there.

Well, then apology rescinded.

I guess we’re both a little crazy.

How do you feel?

Incredible.

I mean, I went from dying my entire life to feeling more alive than ever.

Thankfully, artificial blood keeps me stable.

I just have to drink it more often.

How often?

Uh…

Every four hours, 22 minutes. Down from six.

It’s losing its effectiveness.

The issue is, when it stops working… I’ll become like Milo.

You won’t.

[DOOR BELL DINGS]

Hi. Over there.

Sorry, this one’s no good.

Check it again. And keep one for yourself.

No, I don’t wanna do it.

There’s plenty more where those came from.

Come on, man, we gotta get back to the lab.

[HEART BEATING]

Michael?

Okay, I know that look.

You’re up to something. What is it?

I’ll need a couple of things from the lab.

Can you do that for me?

Yes, I can.

But you didn’t answer my question. What is it?

You’re right. I’m up to something.

[♪♪♪]

You got the blood?

Got it.

[SIREN WAILING]

[DOG BARKING]

[VIALS CLINKING]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

[HORNS HONKING]

[SIREN CHIRPING IN DISTANCE]

MAN 1: The ink on this new batch is pretty legit.

It’s a good thing we switched the chemicals.

MAN 2: Yo, finish up.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

[JINGLING]

[LAUGHS]

[VOICES CHATTERING ON TV]

It’s a nice place that you got here.

Oh, I love this movie. Is this the part where the mysterious guy with the hoodie comes in and kicks everybody’s asses? I love that part.

Who the hell are you?

It doesn’t matter, but I am gonna need your laboratory.

[MAN LAUGHS]

MICHAEL: You can keep the money, all your little toys.

Just leave the science-y stuff and that bag of spicy Cheetos.

He wants my lab?

Yeah.

[KEYBOARD CLACKING]

You trying to be funny?

No, no, no. Absolutely not. That’s their job.

I mean, look at their matching necklaces.

Time to go.

[GROANING]

[BONES CRACKING]

Did you know that there are 27 bones in the human hand?

[YELPS]

Allow me to introduce the phalanges.

[SCREAMS]

The metacarpals.

Shit. Let’s get the fuck out of here!

And the pretty, little stinky pinkie.

[SCREAMS]

[PANTING]

Who the hell are you, man?

Me?

[IN DEEP VOICE] I am Venom.

[HISSES]

[GASPS]

[IN REGULAR VOICE] You can go now.

Six to eight weeks, a little ibuprofen.

Should heal up just fine.

[♪♪♪]

[OFF THE MEDS’ “EXSE” PLAYING]

[ROARS]

[GROWLS]

[ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYING AND PEOPLE CHATTERING]

Yo. Can I get a tequila, please?

Don Julio 1942.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Do I know you?

Me?

Yeah.

No, I don’t think so.

We’ve met.

I’m sure of it.

No, I’d remember.

You’re too pretty.

You know what they say, “Tequila to remember, whiskey to forget.”

That’s good.

Sir, two tequilas, please.

Hey, yo.

Her drinks are spoken for, bro.

Salute.

[CHUCKLES]

You know, uh, ahem, I’m gonna do you a favor and let you walk out of here, all right?

That’s very kind of you.

Here was I thinking you were a complete asshole.

Sir, can I get my friend here…

Relax.

…and his friends a round of whiskeys?

JEAN: Hey!

[GLASS SHATTERS]

[MILO GROWLS]

MAN: I’ll get you another drink.

[SIGHS]

Hey.

Another time.

Jerk.

You see the size of that guy? I’m not paying for those drinks.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION, THEN ALL LAUGHING]

[ROARS]

[♪♪♪]

MILO: Martine.

Milo.

Sorry. I let myself in.

I hope I didn’t startle you.

It’s okay.

If I’d known our biggest funder was coming, I would have planned a nice dinner for us.

Actually, I’ve already eaten.

Whatever it is, it’s doing wonders for your health.

[CHUCKLES]

I feel great.

What can I do for you?

Well, it’s Michael.

I’m worried about him.

He’s alone out there.

And I think he needs me.

If I can get to him before the police do, I can help him.

You wouldn’t happen to know where he is, would you?

You two have always been so close.

I’m sorry.

I don’t.

Hmm.

[HEART BEATING RAPIDLY]

Just to be sure, I’m going to ask you one more time.

You don’t happen to know where he is, do you, Martine?

I wouldn’t lie to you, Milo.

I don’t.

Now, if you don’t mind, I have work to do.

Okay.

Well, if you see him, if you hear from him, tell him: “We are the few against the many.”

We’ll have to do that dinner another time, Martine.

[TAKING SHUDDERING BREATHS]

[♪♪♪]

Police!

Clear!

Clear!

[CLICKING TONGUE]

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Cat’s gone. And she’s probably gone along with it.

[CAT MEOWS]

It’s time to eat, you little monster.

Oh!

[WINCES AND SIGHS]

Shit.

[GROWLS SOFTLY]

Michael?

Hey.

[SLAMS FLOOR] Michael.

I’m sorry.

[SIGHS]

You may wanna close that up.

Yep.

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

[MICHAEL SIGHS]

How does it feel… when you’re on red?

Something wakes up inside of me, something… primal. And it just, uh… And it wants to hunt. And wants to kill.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

I’m sorry.

[CAT MEOWS]

[COUGHS]

[MEOWS]

[♪♪♪]

[SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE]

Hi.

Good as new.

Nice work, doctor.

Thank you, doctor.

You know, for the record, I… I wasn’t gonna go full Dracula on you downstairs.

For the record… I find him to be quite the romantic.

Come here.

Just close your eyes.

Okay.

Move closer.

[♪♪♪]

[TRAIN RATTLING]

Did you know the average male body has 12 pints of blood?

I mean, how much do you think the doctor can drink?

I don’t know.

When’s the last time you had 36 beers?

When’s the last time you had any beers?

CCTV.

I’ll go grab the footage.

I don’t want you to have to move or anything.

All right, check this out.

Wait, wait, wait.

Zoom in. And hold right there.

That’s not the doctor.

RODRIGUEZ: It’s what these bloodsuckers do. They multiply.

Breaking news on the Lower East Side where three people have been killed.

Authorities have confirmed the discovery of three new bodies outside a bar popular with Wall Street traders.

And like the victims before them, they were completely drained of their blood, earning the killer the moniker “Vampire Murderer.”

The prime suspect, renowned scientist Dr. Michael Morbius, remains at large.

What have you got yourself into?

However, another source inside the department has told us that CCTV footage of the murders suggests the killer could be a copycat.

Residents are being urged to stay home after sundown until the killer, or killers, are brought to justice.

NICHOLAS: Milo?

[PILLS RATTLE]

You’ve discovered my secret.

I mean, look at me.

I am reborn.

I am the resurrection.

My God, what have you done to yourself?

What?

Do you disapprove?

What’s the matter, Nicholas? Is Daddy cross?

All right. Settle down.

Let’s go and have a drink together.

Come celebrate with me, please.

No.

Just one drink.

Milo, you’re scaring me. Please. Just…

Just… Just calm down.

[SIGHING]

What’s the matter?

I can’t… I can’t sleep.

I can help you with that.

I’ve been more than a friend to you all this time, Milo.

And I’m going to stay here with you.

But there will be no more violence, understand?

That doesn’t do it for me.

I should have known. You always take his side.

Tell me your side, then, Milo.

Michael doesn’t accept what he is, Nicholas.

I’m gonna make him accept it.

By ruining his good name?

See? There! There you are!

Perfect Michael, selfless Michael, Michael the favorite!

Don’t be childish, Milo!

If anyone has a claim to being my favorite, it’s you.

I’ve devoted my life to you.

Liar.

You pitied me before.

You did. You pitied me before. You’re repulsed by me now.

I am repulsed… by what you’ve done, by what you’ve become.

Whatever this thing is… you’re not up to it.

There’s no shame in what we are.

“We are the few…”

“Against the many.”

[GROWLS]

Tell Michael, you tell him I’m going to kill as many as I want.

[GROWLING]

[ROARS]

MARTINE: “He’s only destroyed by a stake through the heart, made from the wood of the Holy Cross.”

You don’t believe this.

MICHAEL: No. But after the week that I’ve had, anything is possible.

What is that?

This is an antibody.

It inhibits ferritin, induces a massive iron overload, instant hemochromatosis.

Deadly to bats, fatal to humans.

Okay.

Who’s the second one for?

My window’s closing. We both know that.

By tomorrow I’ll be forced to consume human blood.

I can’t do that. I won’t do that.

So this is your solution, huh?

Injecting yourself with poison?

I brought this into the world.

It’s up to me to take it out.

I need you to go now. It’s not safe here. Okay?

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

[PHONE BEEPS ON]

Nicholas, you okay?

[WEAKLY] Michael, I need help.

[GASPS, COUGHS]

I went to see Milo.

Nicholas?

Nicholas!

[GROWLS]

[♪♪♪]

Nicholas.

Nicholas?

Michael.

Come on, we have to get you to a hospital.

[WEAKLY] You have to stop him.

[BREATHING RAPIDLY]

MILO: Michael.

Michael.

Call out for him.

I want him to hear you.

No.

Yeah.

I won’t ask you again.

Say, “Michael.”

MARTINE: Michael.

MILO: Good girl.

Michael.

MARTINE: Michael.

MILO: Yeah.

MARTINE: Michael.

[MILO CHUCKLES]

MARTINE: Milo.

You’re hurting me.

[SHUSHES]

It’s okay.

[MARTINE SCREAMS]

[♪♪♪]

[HEART BEATING]

[SIREN WAILING DISTANTLY]

MICHAEL: Martine?

Let me take a look. Martine.

[WHIMPERS]

Let me look.

It’s bad.

Michael.

Make it mean something.

I can help you.

I’m sorry.

[SHUDDERING]

[GROWLING]

[♪♪♪]

[YELLS]

[MILO CLAPPING]

Drank the red.

Good for you.

[GROWLING]

It’s just you and me, Michael!

Nothing, no one, to hold us back.

[ROARS]

I’m all you have left.

That’s the spirit. Yeah.

[MILO LAUGHS]

[BOTH GRUNTING, GROWLING]

[GROANS]

[GRUNTING]

Bye.

[♪♪♪]

[MILO LAUGHS]

[GROANS]

[EXCLAIMS, THEN LAUGHING]

Come on, Michael!

Come on!

You can do better than this!

It’s not a curse.

It’s a gift.

You started this, you created this, you created us!

[ROARS]

[♪♪♪]

[BUBBLING]

[BATS SCREECHING]

[♪♪♪]

[GRUNTING]

[YELLING]

[GROANS]

Michael.

You can’t kill me.

I mean, it’s me.

[WHISPERS] You can’t kill me.

[WHIMPERS]

You gave me my name.

Remember?

I remember everything.

[SOFTLY] I’m sorry.

[♪♪♪]

Lucian.

[SIRENS APPROACHING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER POLICE RADIO]

[HELICOPTER WHIRRING]

OFFICER 1: Stay back, people.

OFFICER 2: Get back! Back!

[♪♪♪]

[GASPS]

[♪♪♪]

[ENERGY CRACKLING]

[♪♪♪]

Hope the food’s better in this joint.

REPORTER [ON TV]: The bizarre story developing at the Manhattan Detention Center when a man identifying himself as Adrian Toomes simply appeared in an otherwise empty cell.

A hearing has been set that could likely lead to his immediate release.

[OFFICER YELLS INDISTINCTLY]

[♪♪♪]

[GRASS RUSTLING]

[♪♪♪]

[WIND WHISTLING]

Thanks for meeting me, doc.

I’ve been reading about you.

I’m listening.

I’m not sure how I got here.

Has to do with Spider-Man, I think.

I’m still figuring this place out, but I think a bunch of guys like us should team up.

Could do some good.

Intriguing.


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